Unwilling memories

Posted by Calvin Jonathan

Fraction of a heart,

Scattered through all minds of a heartless animals,
Humanity...
Not the word I'm searching for,
But a word that'll never reach me,
When I'm still in the depth of an empty mind...

No memories of love,
Only a pain shall roots in my soul,
Never I feel warmth nor cold,
Anger and vengeance are what I shall feel...

Untouched by my own will,
I'm a marionette to a blood-thirsty parasite,
Who fell to the world of greed...
I excavate silver coins to feed his greed,
Giving it with blood stained the shiny coins,
My own fresh blood...
I steal, rob, and murder,
Only wish to serve him to spare my low life...

No chance for me,
To pure my sins...
I just wish to be dead,
And sent to hell rather than standing here to lick the dirt for someone like him,
I need a rest, an eternal rest,
Wielding a dagger, stab myself till I died...
A painful yet happiest day of my life,
I was freed by my own death,
No more blood shall stain my clothes,
I'll just give it all away to earth,
And slumber under the warm soil,
And grew to a tree to bares fruit of rebirth,
And cast away my unwilling memories...

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I disappoint my brother

Posted by Calvin Jonathan

It was today, a funny feeling fills my mind,

A feeling that today going to happen something horrible,
That uncomfortable feeling eating me up,
Am I forgot something?
Did I do something stupid?
That feeling clash into a scenery,
An image that cannot be thrown away from my memory,
A group of teacher comes in without permission,
They told my class, it's going to be a check up,
My fear started to began,
I brought my belonging that doesn't belong to me, but also to my brother,
It was a stupid thing I brought it in class,
I am stupid, selfish, I'm such an idiot,
When a teacher coming near my bag,
It was found and taken such in a second,
My little heart trembles in a image came across me,
An image where my brother cries tear of disappointment,
It was taken away, and there's nothing to do about it anymore,
I'm in a corner where there is only regrets,
I regret I broke the law,
I'm stubborn, foolish, and idiot,
I let my brother down,
When I got home,
There's no other option to choose,
I must speak the truth in such a fragile unstable heart of a little boy,
When I spoken the words,
His face turn red, tears glowing from his eyes,
And cries yelled out,
Such a painful thing, to see a sibling cries because your own stupidity,
I wish I can undo today,
I wish I can turn back time,
I wish I'm not a moron,
No turning back, it already spoken,
I cannot take back my heartbreaking words,
I just can't bare it anymore,
The guilt growing inside me,
And I'm still in a deep confusion,
The 'thing' that was taken,
'It' can slow my brothers movement in education,
But 'it' can also, fills his days,
Am I doing the right thing?
Or just plain selfish?
I can't bare this,
I already have a tons of problems right now,
But, it still coming to me,
What can I do now?
I... I'm confused...

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I need to live

Posted by Calvin Jonathan

Yesterday, I feel the despair in living,

But, thank god it's over,
I see it now, that I do not need to fear or hesitate,
My desperation was a putrid thing that can get you down,
What a relieve that I was pured from my blindness,
I patronized life, it was foolish of me,
A vestige of my heart still pushing me towards the light,
When my mind was gulped by the shadow of emptiness,
It was a fallacy, no faith, false belief,
I was vulnerable to be contain by wretch,
I was trapped in a kennel, with no way to improve, as I am just a mere dog,
Loyal to the masters, do not think that I am no servant,
When I mourn myself, I am not vigilant,
That I am wasting my time, for something that was just nothing important,
I must vindicate things now,
I must get out from the void where I was held back,
I need to salvage myself,
I need to hurtle,
I need to move towards my hopes and dreams,
Where there I can live,
Someday, I need to reach it,
With my own hand, mind, and heart,
I need to live...

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A first post in my new blog

Posted by Calvin Jonathan

Setelah beberapa saat sibuk membuat blog terbaru,

Gw kembali ke dunia blog, setelah blog sebelumnya merupakan seonggok sampah web,
Dengan blog ini, gw bakal tulis karya-karya tulis gw, feeling gw, and kegiatan gw...
Jadi ga bakalan kaya dulu lagi, gw bakal kasih sentuhan dikit2 banyak bhs Inggris,
Sekalian mengembangkan kemampuan bahasa gw,
Dan topik pertama gw di blog baru ini,


Desperation...

A desperation can come when ever it desires,
It crawling towards me last night,
It make my sour memory came back to me,
Desperation can come from things you read, you see, and you do,
When it get you, it's like everything collapsed,
All the spirit to live, scattered into pieces,
Don't know why, don't know how, don't know anything else to do,
This thing happen last night, when I prepare my big test today,
It suddenly just appear in my mind, makes me remember my memory,
It's not beautiful, it was worse than anything you can imagine,
I may be exaggerating, but it was what I felt that night,
Having a chat with a friend, it still makes me wonder,
How I can change this?
I cannot live like this, I cannot survive like this,
I need a saviour,
A saviour who will perish the desperation in me...
I need it more than I need my own life right now...


Post pertama gw emang rada bikin gw keliatan kaya org ga ad semangat idup,
Tapi itulah yg gw rasain kemaren,
Usai sudah post pertama gw,
Semoga beda dari yg dulu, thx...


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